Month: February 2016

The Heat at the Half: Part 1 of at least 2

Wade gamewinner

“Being crazy isn’t enough.”
– Dr. Seuss

Note to the reader – First, a confession. I’m lazy. The good kind of lazy that finds faster, more efficient ways to complete things which generally leads to innovation and invention, but lazy all the same. I began this piece during the peaks and valleys W/L runs following the Dwyane Wade game winner against the Memphis Grizzlies (pictured above). Now the trade deadline (yawn) has come and gone and I’m still not sure what to make of this Miami Heat team and I have no idea what to say about the current roster construction, season altering injuries and the effects of the trade deadline. Thus, I put away the work I’d done up to that point and reduced it back to the original outline of ideas, which you will now get to experience raw.  (FYI: Part 2 of this piece is a fun collage of Chris Bosh’s Miami Heat highlights and career moments. Look for it in late 2018!)

Note to the author – You are out of milk.

Note to the editor – Pam, this is not a message board.


When I decide to write something, my process is probably not much different from actual skilled people of the written word. My recipe is three steps. First off, jot down the most clever musings you can come up with while inside one of those money grab wind tunnel machines. Add a bit of virgin blood (there is plenty on twitter, check my mentions), some papaya and the finger bone of a former ESPN talking head (the more obscure the better). Using mortar and pestle, mix the ingredients together until you have a lumpy paste. Finally, on a 13×9 cookie sheet create lumps of thoughts that look like this: 💩. Makes approximately all the hot takes.

In truth, I actually keep a running notepad++ file of nothing but witty thoughts because of my grandfather. The two of us always loved hoarding one liners or dirty limericks to unleash on each other whenever the chance arose. My Pops won every time, but only because he deployed a weapon of mass destruction in the perfect Lou Costello impression.

Coach, out of 5, how many stars would you give this article?

So here are some lazy, random, insightful, and poorly thought out observations from my sleeping mind on the subject of the 2015-16 Miami Heat season at the halfway point OR feel free to avoid this train wreck and watch something actually entertaining from BriTANick:

  • Erik Spoelstra quietly has the greatest facial expression game in the NBA after Pop.
  • The Miami Heat promotional department is second to none. These two fantastic, short clips inspired by 90s TV will make your soul happy (found HERE and HERE ).
  • Josh McRoberts put 0 points in his injury attribute.
  • Luol Deng shoots his jumper as if Tom Thibodeau were still holding him around the ankles.
  • Brian Roberts’ jersey should be retired to the rafters. The number it adorns could represent Mickey Arison’s tax savings for the season.
  • Twitter has fired Erik Spoelstra and Pat Riley numerous times this season. Twitter is stupid.
  • I have never seen a team miss more lay-ups and bunnies in my life.
  • I have never seen a team miss more wide open three pointers in my life.
  • Luol Deng’s all around game is criminally underrated. Also, how crazy is it that BoB and Tila Tequila believe the Earth is as flat as Deng’s jump shot trajectory?
  • I wonder how many of us shrugged off the Rio trade and now miss him like the ex that got away. I miss you Jacquelyn, come home please.
  • When the Heat have been getting destroyed this season, I find myself watching the bench interactions more than the basketball. I highly recommend this. Justise Winslow has some amazing animated reactions. Before the trade, you could catch Udonis and Bird with hilarious expressions. And Spo is always high comedy.
  • Because out of timeout plays are so much more effective for the Heat, I start to question during offensive droughts whether it is possible for them to somehow run every possession out of a timeout.
  • I like ‘the idea’ of Hassan Whiteside. I also like the idea of bacon condoms.
  • This Miami Heat team often plays like a group of dinosaurs who got together for a pickup game that ended up trapped in a tar pit.
  • Gerald Green leaps like a Jedi but shoots like a stormtrooper.
  • If McBob learned to unleash a hair whip attack as he drove the lane, he would be unstoppable. [immediately following McRobert’s haircut] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
  • I’m going to miss Udonis Haslem so much.
  • The most amusing people I follow on twitter are the Heat fans that think Michael Beasley and Steve Novak are actual NBA basketball players.
  • Speaking of ancient basketball players, the way Dwight Howard and Carmelo Anthony were deemed possible saviors during the trade deadline was disappointing, twitter.
  • I am a fan of Justise Winslow. Quietly, his shot has improved and his minutes have increased, specifically in crunch time.
  • Something Justise Winslow should open up a camp and teach other NBA players is when to contest a shot and when to attempt to block a shot. Winslow rarely fouls a jump shooter or gives up a three-point play chance because of his footwork and discipline.
  • The Heat offense without Chris Bosh is fairly easy to defend. Collapse the paint, maintain contact with Wade. That’s about all you need to do. Strangely, without both Bosh and Wade, the Heat are more difficult to key on because there is no focal point outside of Goran.
  • Beno Udrih is fun.
  • Post All-Star weekend, the Heat are running out a lineup of Dragic, Deng, Winslow and McBob that does nothing but play like they were all snorting rocket fuel in the huddle. Transition offense, pace, and shot attempts are all way up. A cool part of the scheme change is that all 4 guys are running the instant they get a rebound, attacking before the defense has a chance to reset.
  • The Miami Heat won a game this season while not hitting a 3 point shot. They also put up over 114 points making only two 3 pointers (credit to Tom Haberstroh). This team may shoot like Carlton from long distance, but they score exceptionally in the paint. Spoelstra is a genius.
  • I haven’t been to a Heat game since the banner raising in 2013. I think it is time to rectify that.
  • After watching the remnants of this Heat squad rattle off two very impressive wins, maybe being crazy is enough. RELEASE THE BEASLEY (nah).
  • And my final thought on the mid-season is simple and straight-forward: Get well soon, Chris Bosh, we miss you.
#1 on our team and #1 in our hearts

*Of course, I wouldn’t be half as funny or interesting if I didn’t steal at least two-thirds of my material from my followers, so I’m going to challenge everyone to post a comment with your observation for the year. If I like it, I’ll add it to a second list and update this post as I see fit.
**By the way, if you readers don’t comment, I’ll tell you exactly what is going to end up happening. I’m eventually going to get bored, create fake accounts and write my own amazingly inaccurate comments and then attribute them to my followers randomly. So win-win, really.